7 Things I Refuse to Do in Lansing After Noon on Friday

There comes a point every Friday when my body remains at work, but my soul is already home wearing sweatpants, with a dog on my lap, a remote in my hand, and my phone on silent.

For me, that moment arrives at noon.

RELATED: Attention Michigan Shoppers: It's Time to Review Grocery Store Etiquette

I'm still capable of answering emails and forming complete sentences, but nobody should trust me with a project containing the words "urgent," "quick favor," or "before you leave."

Friday Afternoons in Lansing Have Different Rules

Heavy traffic on a multi-lane highway in Moscow during the golden hour

First, I'm not crossing Lansing unless someone is being born, getting married, or handing out free Coney Dogs. A "quick trip" down Saginaw Highway on Friday afternoon is how people end up celebrating their birthday in traffic.

I'm also not stopping at Meijer for one thing. Nobody has ever entered a Michigan Meijer for "one thing." You go in for hamburger buns and leave $73 poorer with windshield wipers, patio cushions, and a rotisserie chicken.

After noon, I refuse to begin any home improvement activities. My garage currently contains 47 unfinished projects, three nearly empty cans of paint, and several tools I bought because a YouTube video made plumbing look easy. Friday is not the day to discover why homeowners insurance doesn't cover overconfidence.

My Mid-Michigan Friday Refusal List

person in blue pants and black socks lying on bed

I'm not driving on I-96, I-94, or any of the I's without snacks, water, and a notarized goodbye letter.

I'm agreeing to plans that begin after 8 p.m. By that hour, I've already taken off my shoes. Once the shoes come off, the evening is legally over.

RELATED: I Cut Down Michigan’s Tree of Heaven and Made Life a Living Hell

I'm not cooking anything that won't go on a grill. Friday dinner should come from a restaurant, a pizza box, or gently kissed by propane-produced flames.

Finally, I refuse to feel guilty about any of this.

We survived another Michigan workweek filled with construction barrels, detour signs, weather mood swings, meetings that should have been emails, and people who reply to emails with "Thoughts?"

My thoughts are that it's Friday, I'm tired, and whatever this is can probably wait until Monday. Unless you've got Coney Dogs...