Why You Hate Thanksgiving – We’ve Got A List
You see that picture? Look at her. Let's call her Karen. Look at Karen and her perfect turkey and her perfect family. Sure this holiday is about what we're "thankful" for. But strap yourself in for a rant. Have a seat Karen. You and that dry @$$ turkey you're holding. Here's our list of things we hate about Thanksgiving.
1) Lions Football
The Bears come a calling on Thanksgiving day to give you something to go along with that indigestion. As of 2018, the Lions are 37-40-2. It's a tradition...of us losing. Again. Chicago already served us up on a platter earlier this year with a 20-13 whoopin'. We are Staffordless. And as much as I love my Lions and every now and then they show sparks of life, I'm not even gonna waste the wishbone on this one.
2) Green Bean/Sweet Potato Casserole
Real talk, I'm kind of ok with the green bean casserole. Not everybody can make it right. But for the most part, you get no arguments from me. I love the crispy onions on top. But as a southerner (Mississippi stand up), I can't get behind the Sweet Potato Casserole. Why are there marshmallows? Why is it a casserole? This is a cultural offense to me. Bring me my sweet potatoes in a pie format or keep this one to yourself, Karen.
3) The Last Minute Store Run
What did they forget? Cranberry sauce? A seasoning? A pie crust? Milk? Eggs? Liquor? And why do YOU have to be the one to go get it? Everything is closed right? Unless it's at a party store, you got slim pickins partner. Good luck.
4) Black Friday
We just got through being THANKFUL for everything we have. So, let's go get some more. There's only like 15 of those things you wanted at that price anyway. You ready to go to jail or be a part of that melee for ANOTHER TV or air fryer? And what's worse? IF YOU HAVE TO WORK BLACK FRIDAY!
Politics and pumpkin pie do not mix. Neither do relatives you haven't seen in ages and liquor. There is such a thing as too much family. Close quarters. And the Lions just lost. Who's up for re-election? Did you say peach pie or impeachment. Ring the bell and get a referee.
On the road again. To that argument and green bean casserole that we just talked about. If you're driving, how far and who's in the car with you? How are the roads? And to drive all that way and have to sleep on that horrible pull out couch with the metal bar in the middle right in your back? Or on the floor? Or in the kids room on that bed made for a 4 year old? And heaven forbid you have to fly in this.
7) The Holiday Breakup
The conscious uncoupling before the holidays. Not going into the holidays with that person again are you? No better time, the most wonderful time of the year, to do this right? Let 'em down easy so they don't have to eat Karen's dry @$$ turkey and sweet potato casserole. What kind of monster would do this? We would. Thanksgiving is one of the most popular times of the year to drop that extra weight. And that weight just might be you.
8) The Interrogation
You haven't see MeMaw and PawPaw in ages. They love you so much. And they want to know, are you still at THAT job? Why are you still single? Why did you get divorced? What happened to what's their name? You're too skinny. You're too fat. What's up with your hair? Why are you young people so obsessed with your phones? Plus, once the relatives (mom, dad, uncles, aunts, etc.) get a little of the liquid courage in them, they're gonna dance. And try to talk on your level. Gam Gam is gonna let you know she can still get JIGGY with grandpa when she wants to. Why, back in my day...and someone's gonna say OK Boomer. And we're back up there at number 5.
So, did we miss anything? Let us know via social media or in our app chat.
This was done tongue and cheek. You and your family have a blessed Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful and to treasure these times and your family. They're the only ones you've got.