Dear Illinois: You Sure You Wanna Mess With Michigan’s Lake?

Dear Governor Pritzer,

I am writing to you today out of concern for Illinois's well-being. It appears you have taken leave of your senses and treaded into the waters of messing with Michigan. Your recent declaration must have resulted from a fever dream because no rational human being would dare suggest that Lake Michigan be called Lake Illinois.

As a lifelong Michigander and student of history, I feel it is my civic duty to remind you that Michigan has never taken kindly to territorial disputes. Just ask Ohio.

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Once upon a time, Ohio thought it could waltz into the Mitten State and claim a tiny strip of land known as Toledo (a city Ohio is now stuck with). This resulted in the legendary Toledo War.

The conflict was so intense that absolutely no one died, and one guy walked away with a minor stab wound. However, Michigan emerged victorious despite that because we traded Toledo for the entire Upper Peninsula!

Yeah, we lost a swampy border town, but we gained a treasure trove of natural resources, gorgeous landscapes, and enough pasties to feed generations.

So, dear Governor, I must ask: Are you sure you want to test us?

Lake Michigan has been ours from the beginning and we don't share with other states well. It is, and will always be, Lake Michigan. Not Lake Illinois and definitely not "That Big Water Thingy We Go To When Corn Gets Boring."

No, sir, it is ours. It has "Michigan" in its name because we protect it, play in it, and hold it dear to the point that if you continue with this farce of renaming OUR LAKE, you may find yourself in the middle of an unofficial war.

Sure, you might think you're getting Lake Michigan, but we'll end up annexing half of Chicago, all of Springfield, and the Oak Park Frank Lloyd Wright House—and the name of the lake still won't change.

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So do yourself a favor, Governor. Leave the lake alone. Stick to deep-dish pizza, wind tunnels disguised as streets, and reliving the glory days of the Jordan Bulls (or we could send Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn down to straighten things out). We'll keep our lake, our name, and our patience—for now.

Consider this your friendly warning.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Michigander