This frustration has been boiling since my favorite grocery store chain decided to suck the joy out of my shopping experience by replacing the cashier with YOU. And me. And the five-year-old in line in front of me who wanted to scan the groceries.

I knew he wanted to because he screamed it. Many. Many times. With increasing intensity and volume each time. No one within a one-mile radius will ever forget that young man's desire to scan those cans.


Finally, the kid's dad gave in and let the kid scan.

Let me tell you something, this kid was a scanning prodigy.


Beep! He was scanning 1, 2, 3 items with his right hand while no-look grabbing into the cart for the next items with his left. Beep! Beep! I'm not sure but I swear I saw him swat his dad's hand away but, it all happened so fast I can't be sure. This kid even did some Jedi Mind Trick to open the bags one-handed.

Related: 11 Items You Should Never Buy at a Michigan Dollar Store

For a fleeting second, I imagined a world filled with young people like this who enjoyed scanning cans, but I quickly realized that thanks to my favorite grocer and those like them, the world no longer has a calling for professional checkout people. The pros have now retired and supervise the self-scanners like a TSA agent who has to fill in for a Flight Attendant.


It was that day I decided that I would skip the inside of the grocery store altogether and switch to pick-up. I ordered online, they sent me a text that said come pick them up, I went, popped the bed of the truck, they put the stuff in, and off I went.

I opened the bed when I got home and immediately questioned the bagging practices of the chains pick-up shoppers (I'm not sure what to call these associates but they are the ones that don't move their carts when they are in the middle of the aisles because they are shopping avatars for online orderers).


Whoever had bagged my order decided that each item needed its own private living quarters for the 10 min journey from the store to the kitchen table. I wish that were a huge exaggeration but it isn't.

I don't know how this process goes down in the store, but at the super secret grocery avatar checkout, I think there is a guy who bought WAY too many plastic bags and he's trying to justify his purchase.

Related: Walmart Closing 22 Stores This Year, Will Michigan Stores Close?

Let's just say if there was a world crisis that required each person on the planet to hold 1 plastic bag in their hand, my home could single-handedly save this world and 17 others. I may begin to craft clothing or furniture from them soon.


So, all that to say: Hey Grocery Store! When I'm done scanning, bagging (filling them to near tolerance), and paying for my groceries do you need me to run carts too?


The First Meijer Store and Meijer Memorabilia

Sandy the Mechanical Meijer Pony

More From 99.1 WFMK