Top 5 Clothing Items Michigan Dads Should Not Wear, According to a Teen
First off, great job. You’ve raised or are in the process of raising one or more children. It’s a big job and everyone handles things differently. For instance, I am on the cusp of becoming an “Empty Nester.”
My daughter is in her senior year of high school and will be off to study engineering in the UP. Last year my son became a US Marine, and I couldn’t be prouder.
My issue is that I will soon be left without Teenage Supervision. If you have a teenager, you are likely familiar with your Teenage Supervisor (TS). Your TS no doubt provides commentary and recommendations on how you eat, when you eat, what you eat, what you wear, when you wear it and most importantly, how not to embarrass yourself or your TS.
With spring just around the corner, I’ve asked my TS to identify fashion trends I as a father should avoid at all costs. Here are the top 5:
I must admit these look incredibly comfortable; however, I have been informed by my TS that I am not allowed to wear this because “you put too much in your pockets and your pants will end up having mouse ears.” She’s not wrong.
If you think you can pull off the Jogger look, Burlington has a complete guide to the garment, including how to wear them to work.
I have never been tempted by the siren song of the Croc, so this one wasn’t hard for me to resist. At least it wasn’t until my TS told me I shouldn’t wear them. If you have been searching for it, Crocs has found your lost shaker of salt.
3. These Pants
I discovered these while searching for cargo pants and immediately sought purchase approval for the “NEW UNISEX SHINY NYLON WET LOOK OVERFILLED TROUSERS” from my TS. I was denied. A review ticket has been submitted but I am not hopeful the TS decision will be overturned by her supervisor…my wife. I would wear the hell out of these pants.
2. Any Garments Who’s First Name is "Skinny"
I accidentally bought a pair of skinny jeans once. Sam’s Club needs dressing rooms. Skinny anything is a no for most dads, not because we don’t have nice legs, it’s that we don’t have butts.
Most Mid-Michigan fathers are burdened with a longer-than-normal back with a crack. So either we need to do some hip thrusts and abductions to build up our booty or we stay away from Skinny pants.
For the record, the pants fit—but without a posterior to hold them up, I spent most of the day worrying my crack was showing.
1. Tank Tops with Pockets or Hoods
The Tank Top Hoody is everything a Mid-Michigan Dad needs to embarrass everyone they know, which is why my TS placed this at the top of the list. Imagine traveling with your TS, rocking this top with an untrimmed dad-bod chest, with the hood up and the guns out. If you’re able to, make sure to greet every one of your Teenage Supervisor's friends with a backward head tilt and a ‘Sup.’
My Teenage Supervisor will be gone soon, and I will be able to make fashion choices on my own. I’m looking forward to wearing crocs with black socks, joggers and a tank top hoody with a pocket. Maybe I’ll even order some inflatable pants.
What did I miss? Let me know what should be added to the list.